Our New Pet, Shadow

I have been sitting on an entry I have wanted to post over a week ago, but alas I have not yet finished it. So I will delay that entry further by sharing a big announcement in our household. We adopted a dog this past weekend! He is an eleven month old retriever mix named Shadow. Isn't he adorable?

We picked him up at the Houston Humane Society and he has been doing surprisingly well! He is already potty trained, he sleeps in his bed, he knows a few basic commands, and he reacts great around other pets and people.  We think we picked a good choice and are looking forward to raising him for years to come
:-).

Easter at the Lake

 

Brian has been part a of a tradition with the boys where they go out to Lake Livingston for Easter weekend. His ex-wife's parents own a lake house up there, so it always makes for a great time to bond with the kids and that part of the family. Last year, I became apart of said tradition.

See? You do not have to drive that far from Houston to find natural beauty... okay, almost natural beauty. Lake Livingston is a man-made lake. In fact, in order to have it made, a whole town had to be flooded. I suppose it's not anywhere natural. But it's still pretty out there!

Tim took up archery recently. The Boy Scout in me became all excited as I helped him with his target practice.

The boys are also quite the fishermen. This is probably their favorite activity to do while at the lake, and it's not hard to tell why when they are catching something every five minutes!

That night, we commenced with the egg dyeing...

...followed by a game of Parcheesi, which we never finished. They blamed it on me and the blockade I formed. What can I say? When you grow up with nine siblings, a competitor spirit is natural to have. But it's pretty lame that we weren't able to determine a winner.

The Easter Bunny came by the lake house at some point that night. Among the candy and trinkets were two Angry Birds themed kites.

Shortly after I took this photo, poor Jordan accidentally let go of his Angry Bird. The handle got caught on a power line on the other side of the house and the bird remained in flight for at least a couple of more hours until the wind died down

We left as a thunderstorm came rolling in. Although it wasn't quite as impressive as a West Texas thunderstorm, it was still a rather fascinating view:

Family Letter: 2nd Quarter, 2013

Preface: Every quarter, my family keeps up with each other by sending out a mass e-mail updating everyone about what has happened since the previous letter. Since I have several friends who are not on that e-mail list, I share my (slightly modified) family letter here for them to read.

Hello everyone!

A lot of things have kept us busy since I last wrote, but here's a quick update on what has been going on for us in Houston.

This past Christmas was my first to be away from family in San Angelo. While we certainly missed seeing family there, we really enjoyed being able to celebrate Christmas day with Brian's kids and his side of the family. 

Our big Christmas present was the new house, which we have been enjoying. I have spent several hours developing a green thumb by learning how to care for all of the plants in the backyard. We have a grapefruit tree that needed some serious pruning, and some palms that weren't taken very well care of by the previous owners. But so far, none of the plants have shown signs of dying, so I must be doing at least a decent job. Last month, Brian and his dad made a plan on how we would replace the backside of the fence, which was falling apart. With the help from friends, we spent most of this past weekend putting up the fence, and are very happy with the results. Now we are thinking about the projects we would like to do during the summer and we can't wait to make good use out of the pool.

After a year and a half of being engaged, Brian and I finally married in New York City on March 12th, so that's the biggest news we have! Although it doesn't mean much for us in Texas legally, we are still very happy to have made the commitment. We both have always loved New York, so that's why we chose to have it done there. We appreciate the support we have received from family and friends throughout this.

Since we would love to have something more than just a couple of friends attend a ceremony in a city clerk's office, we are planning for a wedding/reception here in Houston for October. We would love to see whatever friends and family can make it that day.

Outside of the wedding, we had a wonderful time visiting the city. Newsies on Broadway was incredible and I can't wait to see it again (I'm still singing the songs in my head). Instead of going up the Empire State Building, we opted to go to Top of the Rock, which was very cool. Despite the fact that neither of us have really seen the movies, we checked out the Harry Potter exhibit for the sake of being able to find a nice souvenir for Jordan. I had a photographer friend who happens to live there, so we were able to get him to take some nice pictures of us in Central Park, in an area called DUMBO (in Brooklyn), and along the Brooklyn Bridge. The pictures turned out very nicely!

Brian's ex-wife put the boys in a church basketball league in January, which they loved. Because of that, they now spend at least an hour or two every weekend we have them playing basketball in the driveway. Basketball finished and they recently started Little League again, which keeps them very busy. They both won their first games and are doing very well so far. Tim is breezing through the 2nd grade, and loves reading and science. We are looking forward to Jordan finishing the 4th grade (I seriously can't believe how much homework he gets every night!). Jordan loves science and math.

When he isn't playing sports or doing school work, Tim spends the majority of time reading and playing Wii U. He recently told me he wants to read all of the Hunger Games books, followed by the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, and then all of the Harry Potter books. I haven't read any of these, so my plan is to read them at the same time so we can discuss them as we go. Hopefully, we can make it through all of those books! Jordan has a fascination with both X-Men and Harry Potter right now. He loves watching the old X-Men cartoons on Netflix and has started collecting Harry Potter wands and other memorabilia. 

I think that's it! We have enjoyed reading other people's letters and catching up.

Much love,
Evan & Brian

Husband in New York (My "What's It Like to Be Married" Post)

Professional photos done by Michael Wiltbank.

Did you know that according to Hindu tradition, rain on a wedding day is a sign of good things to come? Outside of my lucky blue striped underwear, I am not a huge fan of that kind of superstition. But I suppose I will take the Hindu belief to heart and consider myself a lucky guy this time around.

I find it difficult to write this post because I am afraid I cannot adequately express how I feel after exchanging vows of commitment with Brian.

There was a time years ago when my future terrified me. It looked like a blank, empty canvas which seemed destined for emptiness forever. I felt as if I could not and did not deserve to share a life with the person I loved. That feeling of loneliness made me worry for my future and I would often find myself in regular deep depressions that I would try to cover up through school or work.

Now I see my life canvas full of vibrancy and there is a picture there of what the future could be if I keep pushing forward and continue painting. I actually started to notice the color before I ever met Brian because eventually, after making several necessary changes in my life, I allowed myself to be happy. I came to a realization that what others thought of me, even if they were my siblings or close "friends", did not really matter. I did not have to accept the crumbs of love with verbal "buts" attached to them. Fortunately, I found more friends, support, and examples in person and online to counter the ones I lost. These are the family and friends that accepted me completely and helped me climb over my own personal brick walls.

Brian and I both came from backgrounds full of adversity. We both grew up going to church regularly where people did not tend to look favorably towards gay people. I, Mormon. Brian, Assembly of God. We both were raised in families where money was hard to come by and budgets were tight. We both have dealt with depression and a lack of total support from some family members after coming out. Brian's coming out resulted into a divorce which caused him to have to juggle financing two households, school, and a solid relationship with his two very young boys. When I hear his stories, I feel like my trials paled in comparison to his.

But as Kelly Clarkson once said on the Top 40 radio way too often: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Adversity can be a good thing.

One of the most frequent questions I have been asked since returning from New York is: "How does it feel to be married?"

I always find myself pondering the best way to answer this question. In reality, the service was quick and easy. After receiving our marriage license the previous day, we returned to the City Clerk's office with our witnesses on a cold, rainy morning. We were greeted warmly by the employees there, given a ticket, and waited on a long green bench until they called our ticket number, "C62." After our number was called, we were greeted by the justice of the peace who showed us to the chapel room where he gave us few minutes to prepare.

When the JP returned, he gave us a few instructions and asked how we would like to proceed with the ceremony: Do we want to look at each other or at him? Each other. Do we want to place our rings on the stand or have a witness give them to us? We'll just leave them on the podium.

We believe the JP may have been an aspiring Broadway star or a theater school dropout. As he went through the vows, I could not help but look at him sometimes because of how much he exaggerated each line like a soulful pastor in a Southern Baptist Church. It all went by so fast though. Before I could fully feel the emotions of what was happening, Brian and I had already said our "I do"s, exchanged the Tungsten rings, and kissed before the minister and our witnesses. The minister congratulated us and handed us our official marriage certificate.

Yes, I know. That all might sound underwhelming. In fact, the individual act of going to the City Clerk's office was honestly underwhelming. No one cried tears of joy. We did not spend an hour taking pictures afterwards. There was no massive reception to look forward to. But we did take a quick trip to a bakery called Bruno's for lunch and celebratory wedding cake, which was absolutely delightful and delicious.

Having said all of that, I cannot help but feel like we took a monumental step forward. I mean, we did it! Despite the fact that the legal eyes of Texas does not give an iota about our marriage certificate, several other states do see Brian as my husband. The certificate is something tangible and we have already proudly showed it off to the kids (honestly, they were far more interested in the souvenirs we bought them).

But the meaning of this commitment is deeper than just a piece of paper. I find our wedding special because of the work it took to get to that point and the significant moments Brian and I have shared that have allowed us to grow as a couple.

I remember the time when we had our first date at Star Pizza. Most of our conversation was centered around techie things and our backgrounds. Somewhere within those few hours together, I had a feeling Brian was someone I should continue to pursue. Luckily, he felt the same way about me.

Or the time when we had our first Valentine's Day dinner together, which also happened to be the first time I have been able to properly celebrate Valentine's Day with another person.

The time when we took a weekend trip to San Antonio and I accidentally tasted alcohol for the first time while in our hotel. I spat it out immediately, told Brian his Gatorade/Vodka (or whatever the heck was in it) was disgusting, and once again swore to never drink.

The time when we had a rooftop dinner on top of the town home I rented a room out of. This was also the time when I proved myself to not be a skillful cook.

The time when I first met his kids one summer Saturday and we spent the entire day together at a local water park.

The time during our first long vacation together in California when Brian proposed to me in the cool, quiet night out in the courtyard of our hotel in Carmel.

The time when I first took him home to meet my extended family during Thanksgiving. And the time soon after when our car broke down in Brady, TX on a Sunday while attempting to return to Houston.

The time when my grandmother passed away and he was there to help comfort me every step of the way.

All of the times when we have had deep discussions about religion, career plans, the kids, our families, and our life together.

The time when we first walked into our new home with his boys shortly after becoming new home owners.

The time just two weeks ago when we were sitting together on a plane going to New York, holding each other's hand, and thinking about what we would soon be doing in a few days. All of these past significant moments that built our relationship led to the single most significant moment in the chapel of the City Clerk's office.

Although not many of our friends and none of our family could be in New York for us, we certainly felt the love and support online and by phone. To my amazement, several of my siblings congratulated us and even publicly announced our commitment on their own Facebook walls. A comment my very-much-a-Mormon Dad wrote on Brian's wall was much appreciated and meant a lot to us:

"Congratulations Brian, I am proud to call you one of my sons."

We feel very lucky and blessed to receive the kind of support we do. Of course, we want people who have expressed support to witness our commitment in person, so we will soon be very busy planning a wedding ceremony and reception here in Houston this fall. Maybe by then, our piece of paper from New York will at least mean something in the eyes of the federal government. But if not, we still plan to always be stuck with each other! :-)

Senator Portman and the Golden Rule

I woke up to the news this morning that Ohio Republican Senator Rob Portman has reversed his views on same-sex marriage after his son, Will, came out to him as gay. Obviously, voicing such a controversial change does not come without it's critics. Some claim his morals are too malleable. Some say that he should support his constituents, even if these views affect the rights of minorities. Some welcome the change, but criticize him for only making the change since it affected his own son.

Personally, I can't help but smile over this, not because we now have yet another Republican on our side, but because of the story behind it. Imagine the pressure of being the gay son of a top ranking conservative senator. Now picture the pressure of being the only senator to break party lines on a controversial issue that will be hitting the Supreme Court in a few weeks. That's enough stress to make anybody go nuts!

But Will Portman overcame the fear and decided to be honest with his dad, who then handled the news like a champ. Despite the risk of losing his political career and being openly criticized by social conservative groups, other fellow politicians, and random online commentators, Sen. Portman provides his reasoning for supporting same-sex marriage in a way I could not have worded better myself:

"The overriding message of love and compassion that I take from the Bible, and certainly the Golden Rule, and the fact that I believe we are all created by our maker, that has all influenced me in terms of my change on this issue."

That's it. The Golden Rule. The number one thing (at least in my opinion) that Christians and other people of faith are losing sight of today. The rule that states: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." You can't get any more Christian than that!

It's unfortunate that some people will miss the lesson that can be learned from all of this due to not being able to see through the politics. What an awesome example of a good parent and what a wonderful family that must be. Thank you, Will and Rob Portman!

Explaining Our Wedding to the Kids

There was one time about a year ago when Brian said to the boys "You know Evan and I are more than just friends, right? We are more like mommy and your step-dad." They responded that they understood, but they have never asked about us or why we are together. Brian and I say "I love you" to each other regularly in front of the boys without hesitation. We are not afraid to show affection and they know we sleep in the same bed. The boys definitely know that we are together and I am not just daddy's "good friend."

With our civil marriage coming up, I started to ask Brian about whether or not we should explicitly bring up the fact that we are gay with the kids. I felt like we were serving an injustice by not talking about our wedding and I feared that we were adding to the possible shame they might feel about the subject because we were never talking about it openly.

A few weekends ago, we were driving Jordan across town for a birthday party. As we drove along the beltway, we had some light conversation about the party until Jordan became preoccupied with his iPod. I realized this was the perfect time to bring our wedding into discussion. It was just Jordan and we still had at least half an hour before we would arrive at our destination. I looked at Brian and he got my cue. He started the conversation like he did a year ago: "Jordan, you know Evan and I are more than just friends, right?"

Jordan glanced up from his iPod and let out what seemed to be a hesitant "yes." There was this immediate quiet, awkwardness that entered the air. Uh oh. Please, God, don't let this be traumatic for anyone.

 Brian continued. "Well, do you know the best word to describe us?"

Jordan quietly replied "Daddy, I know your secret."

 Uh oh. A secret? This was exactly what we did not want the boys to think of this.

 "Jordan, it's not a secret."

 "Well, I know you're gay."

I finally chimed in: "Right! And you know what, there is no shame in being that way. You know that right?"

Jordan looked at me through the rear-view mirror a little less awkward. "Sorry, I did not mean to use the word 'secret.' I know it's not a bad thing. I just was not sure if it was okay for me to talk about."

 What?! Where was he getting that impression?

 "Well, why do you feel that way?" Brian asked.

Jordan let out a sigh. "Sometimes the kids at school make fun of me and my friend at school and they call us gay because we play together."

Of course he felt this way because of his peers at school. I have always found it funny that social conservative Christians are paranoid that one day educators in public schools will teach children about gay people. Heads up, y'all! They are already learning about what it means to be gay. And they are learning it from other kids who tend to insert as much shame as possible into the subject by calling each other gay, homo, and fag without thinking twice about the damage the careless use of those words can cause.

Last summer, Jordan's mom shared a story with us where he stood up to a bully for calling another kid gay at school. This made us incredibly proud, so when we had Jordan we decided to try and ask him about it. We could not get him to openly talk about what happened, until we sort of brought up the incident specifically. He treated it like it was no big deal and it was clear he did not want to talk about. We should have had the discussion we were having in the car back then. Why didn't we?

"So what do you do about those kids, Jordan?" Brian asked.

"Well, I tell them to stop and to not use that word, but that doesn't work. So I tried telling the teachers, but they don't really do much. They just tell them to stop, too. But the kids keep making fun of us."

"Well, you know, I wish your teachers would do more. You understand that these other kids are using that word in a mean way, right? It's okay to be gay, but it's not okay to put someone down just because they are gay."

Jordan obviously understood what the kids were doing was wrong. But it seemed like he was having a hard time getting over the shame his peers were putting on the subject. I then tried to explain that there are a lot of good people who happen to be gay: the parents of the friend whose birthday party we were attending, the two moms of the twins on his old Little League team, and even the mayor of Houston, Annise Parker. When I mentioned women, Jordan looked at me funny again.

"Wait, but I thought the mayor is a girl?"

"Yes, but some women can be attracted to other women. They can be gay, too. Being gay just means you are attracted to people of the same gender." I tried to keep it as simple as possible for him. I then went on to explain that there would be a good chance he might have some friends who come out as gay when he gets older. As we talked, he slowly started to feel more comfortable about what we were telling him. When it was all said and done, Brian and I both expressed our love for him and that we cared about him.

"We want you to know that we love you, Jordan, and we wish you could be in New York with us. But we promise to do something here in town for you to see. Do you have any questions about anything?"

"Nope." He returned to his iPod game until we reached the birthday party.

------

Talking to Tim about us was much easier. We had the boys over last week when Tim asked about where I stood in the family. It was the perfect opportunity to explain our family. I looked at Brian. He knew this was the time to have a discussion, too.

"Tim, you know Evan and I are more than just friends, right? We are more like mommy and your step-dad."

"Yeah."

Jordan became overwhelmed excitement when he realized what was about to be discussed. "Ooh! I want to tell him! Tim, come over here and I'll tell you!" he yelled from the kitchen table.

"It's okay, Jordan. Let me talk to him. Tim, you know how we are going to New York, right?"

"Yes."

"Do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because Evan and I are going to get married."

Tim looked a bit puzzled. Uh oh. Was this going to be heavy like our conversation with Jordan?

"Why can't you just get married here?"

Phew. He was not confused about the thought of us being married. He was confused about why we wanted to travel over 1,600 miles to get married.

"Well, right now, Texas does not recognize gay people who decide to get married. It is not legal."

"Ok. Well, can you bring me a souvenir?"

"Of course! We'll bring you both something back." They both cheered with excitement.

I then made the same promise I made to Jordan. "You two know that we will eventually have a wedding here in Houston. That way you can be there to see it. We will even have a reception with cake!" The mention of dessert brought cheers and excitement again.

Tim then asked if he and Jordan could go with us to New York when they get older.
"Sure! We can show you everything!" I replied. (Any excuse to visit the Big Apple.)

And that was that. Right now, I feel kind of bummed that they can't be there for the ceremony. That's the main reason we want to have a wedding closer to home. But I really, really wish they could be there. I want them to go to the Top of the Rock with us. I want them to witness the greatness that is Newsies. I want to take them to see Tim's favorite landmark, the Statue of Liberty.  I want them there for the pictures Brian and I will take together. I want them to see where we will be getting married. Sure, it might not be a church or a temple or some massive cathedral; we are just getting married in a city clerk's office. But that place will always be special to me and Brian. It's a place where a promise will be made in a few weeks between us: a promise of commitment and love towards each other; a promise the boys deserve to see.

And Then He Asked: "How's Your Family?"

I was pretty surprised and confused when the second counselor of the bishopric friended me on Facebook. First off, I had never met the guy. Maybe this was some sort of outreach since I rarely ever go to any sort of church service now. But what was even more weird were the friends I had in common with him: John Dehlin, Joanna Brooks, Carol Lynn Pearson, Kendall Wilcox, and just about any other progressive Mormon you could think of that has been in the mainstream media at some point.

I thought this was odd, so I decided to message him about our common progressive friends. This soon led to an invitation to chat over lunch or before church services. I had a gut feeling that Brother M was a strong ally and I did not want to limit our time together over lunch, so I accepted an offer to show up before church meetings. I wanted to talk his ear off and figure out where he was on the progressive front.

The following Sunday was the first Sunday for me to step foot in an LDS Church in about six months. As I looked for Brother M's office, a guy from the ward approached me and figured he probably knew me since I obviously wasn't there for the Spanish speaking ward and I clearly was not dressed like a random investigator.

"Wait.. don't tell me.. you're Chris, right?" 

 "Hey! No, it's Evan."

"Oh yeah, that's right! How have you been?"

... I assured myself that I have never met this guy in my life and was wondering why he pretended to know me. But I continued the conversation politely until Brother M was available.

Once Brother M came over to introduce himself, we decided to sit in the closed-off foyer. I won't go into the details of what we talked about, but he did say he really liked the work John Dehlin has done with Mormon Stories and appreciated Kendall Wilcox's efforts to increase dialogue within the church about LGBT issues. After I admittedly stated that I was not really sure where I was spiritually, he stressed the importance of me always having a connection to God in whatever way worked for me and he hoped that I would always feel welcomed to attend the ward. I left the conversation deciding that I really liked this guy. I talked about how I was engaged to Brian and he didn't flinch. He seemed to understand where I was with Mormonism and there was no guilt or shame projected, just encouragement.

Since I was there, I decided to attend sacrament meeting. I walked in the chapel, sat in an empty pew and waited for a friend. Two guys I had never met walked over to me, introduced themselves, and then asked if I would like to help pass sacrament. With a smile on my face, I said no thank you.  And then an acquaintance I have known since first attending the ward happened to sit in the pew in front of me.
"Hey Evan! Good to see you! How have you been? How's the family?"

Wait. What did he mean? Was he referring to my immediate family? He doesn't even know who they are! Is he referring to Brian and the boys? Is that okay for a Mormon to ask that sort of question?
Still confused, I managed to get out a "They're great!"

"How's Brian?"

A little bit more dumbfounded, I answered "Yeah, he's doing well, too. We moved into a house not long ago, so we have been settling in. How have you been?"

Did I really just have this conversation about my family in the chapel of a Mormon Church? I let that thought settle in. I get that Mormonism as a whole will probably never accept my family the way they do other families; we will probably never have the opportunity to be sealed in a temple and the prophet will probably never openly say anything like what was said in 1978 regarding full fellowship of black members. I get it. It's not like I am expecting Brian or the kids to even baptize into the church if such a prophetic vision lifting policies were to come about anyways. But what I had witnessed felt like a glimpse of a different kind of Mormonism. It was a crumb of the kind of Mormonism many LGBT members hope for when first coming to terms with their identities. It was the kind of Mormonism where it truly did not matter who I was. 

Since that sacrament meeting, I have wondered what it would be like if every person in a leadership role had the attitude of Brother M. What if every member had the mindset of the member who so candidly asked how every aspect of my life was without dodging around Brian? What if every stake was like our stake president and was openly and willingly interested in helping the LGBT community feel more accepted? I wonder what sort of impact that would have on membership in the LDS Church. Where would my spirituality be if instead of rejection, people like me received a full embrace? Although Mormonism in its current state is not the best option for me and my family, Brother M hoped that I would feel welcomed at church. During that service, I felt welcomed.